When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror

Carol Leifer

Villard,  March 2009

Stand-up comic and comedy writer Carol Leifer faced a critical dilemma and had only two options: either continue sharing her greatest childhood memory (seeing the Beatles at Shea Stadium in 1966) or lie about her age. But the choice soon became clear: "I see now that when you deny your age, you deny yourself, and when you lie about your age, you become your inauthentic twin. But most important, when you lie about your age, they win. (And of course by 'they,' I mean the terrorists)." Now, in this uproarious book, Leifer reveals all -- her age, her outlook, her life philosophy -- no holds barred.

  • On technology: "I am overwhelmed by anything that involves a cord."
  • On motherhood: "Never put your baby's length on a birth announcement. It's a baby, not a marlin."
  • On collagen injections: "Your lips are not meant to be flotation devices for your face in case it capsizes."
  • On tattoos: "If you plan on having your lover's name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible 'I Hate' down the road."
  • On etiquette: "Never refer to a woman as 'ma'am,' even if she's ninety years old. Nobody likes it."
After years of stand-up and a wave of successful television shows, Carol Leifer finally (and hilariously) puts it all down on paper -- the wise thoughts, witty stories, and wonderfully way-out observations guaranteed to have you nodding in agreement and laughing out loud in sheer delight.

hardcover | ISBN: 9780345502964 | Publication Date: March 2009

"Carol and I go way back. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but we've known each other for a long time. Here's what I know about Carol: She's funny, she's smart, she's kind, and she's a good writer. You will find out all of those things for yourself when you read this book. I laughed, I cried (but that's because I leaned back laughing and hit my head on the wall). I think you'll enjoy this book as much as I did -- except for the part when I hit my head."        
--Ellen Degeneres

"I discovered Carol Leifer at an open-mike night in the late seventies on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It didn't take me two seconds to realize how special her talent was. (Two seconds, that's how good I am, by the way.) She really has one of the most uniquely hilarious minds of anyone I've ever met. We have worked together on countless projects. If you have never heard how she thinks, this book is the perfect introduction.'                              
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Deeply honest, inspiring, and funny, this is a book about the unpredictability of life and finding yourself that was written by a very, very funny woman. Read this now before it's made into a movie, so you can join me in saying, 'I liked the book better!' Trust me: I'm generally as accurate as Seinfeld. It's really a winner."
--Garry Shandling

"Carol Leifer is a great writer. You'll love this. It's the best book ever."
--Chris Rock

"These essays have stirred in me a foreign, disgusting, and heretofore dormant urge to hug someone, in this case the author. If I become human as a result of reading this, so help me God I will sue her for every dollar she makes from this profound, insightful, and hilarious book."                            
--Larry David

"This book reflects the wise, knowing person Carol has become, and the hysterically funny one she always was. I recommend it highly -- it's strong enough for a man . . . but made for a woman. I couldn't put it down."           
--Bill Maher